Chicago is exactly how I left it six weeks ago: Tropical, with a haughty disdain for conditioned air. Upon arrival at the hotel, Jacob and I immediately set about a terraforming operation. Our success is shown at right. The fact that a thermostat even goes that low is simply stellar. That the room can actually start to approach that goal is incomprehensible. But comprehense one must; it is goddamned cold in hurr. Were I to make advertising for this hotel, it would be something direct like “Red Roof Inn. Go Ahead. Freeze Your Balls Off.®” For the first time in recent memory, I’ve gotten to use a comforter without having to peel it off in the morning. I don’t think I’ve slept so well in years.
And while I was laying in bed, surrounded by stuffed animals and half-eaten, stolen Dunkin, I considered the past. I can think of no greater gift on the day of Isaac’s wedding ceremony than reparations. Thus do Jacob, Preyas and I formally apologize to said Isaac for the following, in approximate chronological order:
- Tying your hair to a chair
- Getting you stuck under that row of desks and then keeping you in there after Mr. O’ Malley showed up
- Carrying you around in that trash can and bolting when Mr. Curtis showed up. There is no defendable answer to “Explain why you are in a trash can”
- Characterizing your handwriting as “seismograph barcode” even though that was dead-on
- Stealing your iPod for like three years and returning it when its market value had decreased substantially
- Putting you in the overhead compartment of a Coach bus
- Repeatedly using you as a suicide bomber to get through Halo on Legendary difficulty
- Treadmill launching
- Not properly conveying how much fun driving is. It’s a lot of fun, actually
- More or less everything Preyas has ever said or done
- Possibly spilling beer on you at your rehearsal dinner and then, non-consecutively, telling you to “suck it”
- Not getting you a better wedding present than this
Our adolescence was truly some insane crucible. Good thing we’ve matured.
We love you, we miss you, we wish you and yours the best. I’m excited to finally be able to use this in close to proper context: Mazel Tov.