Boom! There are more things.
Listen up. I know the shit you’ve been saying behind my back. You think I’m stupid. You think I’m immature. You think I’m a malformed, pathetic excuse for a font. Well think again, nerdhole, because I’m Comic Sans, and I’m the best thing to happen to typography since Johannes fucking Gutenberg.
You don’t like that your coworker used me on that note about stealing her yogurt from the break room fridge? You don’t like that I’m all over your sister-in-law’s blog? You don’t like that I’m on the sign for that new Thai place? You think I’m pedestrian and tacky? Guess the fuck what, Picasso. We don’t all have seventy-three weights of stick-up-my-ass Helvetica sitting on our seventeen-inch MacBook Pros.
The Register is some kind of British tabloid specializing in science and technology news. And like other tabloids it presents the news in a crazed, sensationalistic fashion that sounds as though it’s competing for your attention against the inside of a frantic Chuck-E-Cheez. Yet they are actually covering legitimate science stories, and not necessarily getting it as badly wrong as most traditional sources—they just happen to be throwing in strange, aggressive prose, and using the term ‘boffin’ no less than 3 times a story. Example, this story about the recent study proposing a link between autism and the age of the father:
The trend for women to have children with older chaps than of yore is causing many more mutations among children, according to a study of the genetics of Icelandic families. […]
The new info comes in a wide-ranging study carried out by boffins at Reykjavik firm deCODE Genetics, which holds DNA info on a high proportion of Icelanders. The results have been deemed important enough to be published in headline-birthing boffinry mag Nature this week.
It seems that the greater number of mutations produced as dads become older is down to the fact that a chap’s wedding tackle continually manufactures new sperm by dividing old ones, which naturally means that as the years go by the ready-use sperm in his firing chamber will be the result of more and more divisions in the past. Each division is another chance for a mutation to occur, so that sperm from an older man will always contain more mutations than sperm from a whippersnapper, and these mutations will naturally be passed on to any children he may have. Ladies, by contrast, are issued their entire load of eggs at a relatively young age, and so have many fewer chances to produce mutant ones.
See what I mean? It isn’t wrong, it’s just really weird, and really British. Having accepted these facts, it’s pretty much the greatest news source on Earth. Here are a selection of insane headlines:
China could penetrate US with new huge missile Uh oh…
LOHAN sets clock ticking for explosive climax
Boffins: We are VAPORISING the Earth… for science Supervillainesque move helps them learn about super-earths
Hubble spots ancient spiral galaxy that SHOULD NOT EXIST Milky-Way-like shape ‘should be space train wreck’
Undead galaxy cluster spews 700 zombie baby stars A YEAR IT’S ALIVE! IT’S ALIVE!
Retronaut unearths the creepiest magazine ever published: Girl Watcher. Literally a fun, fresh, non-judgemental look…at stalking. 1959 was a different time.