The Internet is making some unwarranted assumptions about me. In specificum, that they can come into my house and show me pictures of how they’ve put Kung Fu Panda and World of Warcraft in a blender and then expect me to do something with that information. My entire goddamned morning web routine is throwing this in my face, which makes me think this is specifically targeted. Now I’m tracing back through my entire life, trying to find the moment when I made myself a target of choice for this particular dickery. My sum total WoW experience consists of having watched that one South Park episode. I have on occasion played a Video Game, but I never told Google that, and I had the lights off and the doors locked, and my phone was in my pants, both far away from me. I once told that panda joke where he eats, shoots and leaves. I apologize if that was a spoiler. (Here’s another: Apollo 13 survives re-entry.) Also there was that time when I searched for “mmorpg racist panda conical hat” over and over until I blistered.
Now that I’ve been pulled into the vortex, I’m having a crippling flashback to the strategy-based Warcraft games, which had no World attached to them, and had no requirement that you be social at all. In fact, the early games forbade it, but more because the Internet then consisted of a stream of pigeons slowly flapping from house to house — white for 1, grey for 0, was the mnemonic they taught us in school. Each of the three original games was groundbreaking in its own way. Warcraft I, back in ’94, pushed the limits of how much bullshit one could crowd into sidebars; lesser computers would grind to a halt while attempting to render the next-generation shaded button borders. Warcraft II, released a year later, was never actually played; instead, one would simply begin an orc campaign, pause, and turn the speakers up to max, because the high-energy timpani-driven score was like doing coke. I’m sure Warcraft III did something notable as well. I can’t remember what, because now I’m listening to the Warcraft II soundtrack and preparing to jump through the ceiling and fight a cop.