Two Almost Physicists With Almost Something To Say

“Swap” by Kevin Chang (Part 4)

Leave a comment

Also a terrifying and confusing journey

Play or restaurant, either way, your intestines have their work cut out for them.

Just as in our last installment, Jin-Mei, the girl from the old China, continues to not only not know about modern things, but to make assumptions about them that no one from any period of history would make. No matter how unfamiliar you were with a telephone, you’d never think it was plow, if you’ve ever been a farmer. And even if you never saw a basketball, you would never think it was a fruit if you could get close enough to touch it, and see that it has writing on it and stuff, even if you didn’t know the language.

Lon continues to live in the past, doing back-breaking labor and somehow not worrying about getting turned into a vampire, even though he should realize he can leave through the mirror, ostensibly in the hope of getting his terrible mix tape back. With no further ado, the penultimate installment of “Swap.”


Scene 5  –  Ping, Pong and the Girl

Scene: Back in the present. Under the dim light of the alley, Ping and Pong are chatting as they are playing around with their basketball. Jin-Mei, who is looking around in curiosity, and Old Man enter the stage.

Pong:   Ey Boss! Wat took ya so long? We’re all cool’ bout helpin’ ya out ya know dat?

Ping:   Yo Bro.

Pong:   Yea wat?

Ping:   When did dat fellow become our boss?

Pong:   Ya fool! He’s da G of da town! He owns dis town dawk! I told ya not to mess wit dat!

Old Man:   I’m sorry to interrupt your youth conversations… but may I get to business?

Pong:   Oh yea! Hit is straight on me poppa!

Old Man:   This is my precious granddaughter, Jin-Mei.

Jin-Mei:   Please to meet you.

Pong:   How ya livin’ honey G dawg!

Jin-Mei:   How do I live? Well it’s a long story, you know…

Old Man:   Anyway… the job I want to give you two is very simple.

Pong & Ping:  (simultaneously) Bring it up!

Old Man:   I want you two to teach my granddaughter what you guys normally do as a teenager. You see, she’s from a country-side and she never had a chance to see the real “civilized” world. I want you two to be her friend.

Pong:   Yo no prob Boss!

Ping:   Damn Straight!

Jin-Mei:   Oh oh! What is this orange round thing you are carrying? May I borrow it for a second?

Pong:   Yea, ya wanna know how to play this ya?

Jin-Mei:   It looks awfully like an orange… (bites on it) Ah! It’s hard!

Ping laughs quietly.

Pong:   Now honey, this is what you call a basket…

Jin-Mei:   (cuts in) It’s really hard… I might need this… (brings out a knife)

Pong & Ping:   (simultaneously) Stop right there!

Jin-Mei stops and looks up with a questioning, innocent look.

Old Man:   (laughing) Now now… My dear Jin-Mei… That is not a fruit.

Jin-Mei:   No? (looks at the basketball) Are you sure?

Old Man:    It’s called basketball and it’s what people around your age play during this time period.

Jin-Mei:   Oh interesting… I’ve never thought of playing since when I turned five.

Pong:   Gimme dat honey. (takes the ball from Jin-Mei) Here’s how ya do it yo.

Pong Starts dribbling the basketball. Jin-Mei stares at him dribbling it. Ping steals the ball and starts dribbling. Pong tackles Ping and takes the ball away again. The 1 on 1 takes place.

Jin-Mei:   Oh how interesting and creative! I would never thought of playing such manner!

Old Man:   Jin-Mei.

Jin-Mei:   Yes Grandpa?

Behind Jin-Mei, the 1 on 1 stops. Pong throws the ball away and pushes Ping. Ping pushes back. They start repeating this.

Old Man:   How is it? Are you enjoying it?

Jin-Mei:   Well yes… but…

Old Man:   But what?

Jin-Mei:   I’m a little worried about that boy, Lon. I also feel quite guilty about forcing him in a tight spot with Lord Wang.

Old Man:   Oh stop thinking about that boy and just live up for yourself.

Behind Jin-Mei, the two are on the floor struggling a fight.

Jin-Mei:    Even if you say so…. I’m starting to feel horrible about abandoning him in such a place.

Old Man:   I said stop talking about the PAST! Push Over!

The struggle has turn into a serious fight.

Jin-Mei:   But Grandpa!

A loud “thud” noise sounds in the background. Jin-Mei and Old Man turn back to see what happened. Both Ping and Pong are knocked out on the floor.

Black Out. Scene ends.

Scene 6  –  The Jiang-shis

Scene:  Back in the past. Lon enters the room after labor in the field. His outfit had changed. He is now wearing farmer’s clothing. Panda is playing with his bamboo sticks.

Lon:   Sigh… it’s been a week now. Now’s da time to find my tape recorder no doubt!

Lord Wang:   (voice) Jin-Mei! Start sweeping the room!

Lon:   (in a “feminine” voice) Yes sirrr!! Dat sick old guy again….

Lon starts sweeping around the drawer. He pauses, stares at the drawer, and after looking around to see that no one was watching him, he opens the drawer. In there, he finds the tape recorder.

Lon:   Woo hoo! I found it ma baby! At last! I rock! (to Panda) Ya see dat! Ya see dat! I rock!

Panda:   Shakes his head.

Lord Wang enters the room

Lord Wang:   What’s with all of those ruckus! Jin-Mei! I told you to sweep the room! Don’t you want your “thing” back or not?!

Lon rips off his dress and takes off his wig.

Lon:   Ain’t need to do those (beep) anymore! You fool!

Lord Wang screams. The scream turns gradually from a “surprised” scream to a high-pitched “overjoyed” scream.

Lord Wang:   Have I been tricked!? It’s not Jin-Mei… but you’re still look very delicious.  (a licking gesture)

Lon:   Bring it on! I ain’t scared of any Jiang-shis!

Lord Wang:   Where did my bride go young man?

Lon:   Shush! Because I’m gonna start kicking yo ass!

Lord Wang:   So this is another game, isn’t it? I guess you wouldn’t mind if my family joins the party? (whistles)

A group of Jiang-shis appears from the audience’s side. They jump rapidly forward toward Lon and Panda. Lon struggles with the Jiang-shis. Panda gets his head kicked around during the chaos.

Panda:   Shakes his head and escapes into the mirror with his bamboo sticks.

Lord Wang successfully pulls out the tape recorder from Lon’s grasp.

Lord Wang:   Hmm… So this is the “thing” you were looking for? Strange looking.

Lon:   Give dat back!

Lord Wang accidentally pushes a button and the tape pops out.

Lord Wang: I… (pause) am curious… (he drops both the tape recorder and the tape onto the ground and stomps on it)

Lon:   No… (beep) (beep) (beep)

Lord Wang:   Shall we get on with our feast my friend?  (snaps his finger)

Lon uses some of his hip-hop skills to dodge the Jiang-shis. He kicks and punches the Jiang-shis down. However, they keep getting up. Lon gets cornered to where the mirror is. The hoard of Jiang-shis, including Lord Wang, jumps toward Lon at the same time.

Black out. Scene ends.


I think this section is where the stage directions start getting incredible.

Lord Wang screams. The scream turns gradually from a “surprised” scream to a high-pitched “overjoyed” scream.

Try to imagine what this would actually sound like in a performance. Are you imagining it? I am. And I like it.

And there is Lon using “hip-hop skills” to fight undead monsters. Wow. How has no one staged this?! Just think how beautiful and graceful that would look. Sigh…

Only one more installment left, and I promise, it has all the excitement and bewildering ferocity of a thousand Jiang-shis.
Coming soon, Scene 7 – The Chaos, the thrilling conclusion!


Author: (Ryan) Michney

Dread Astronomer

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s