Two Almost Physicists With Almost Something To Say

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Swimming Tips!

The Dear Leader before heading off to the giant Swimming Pool in the Sky

More like Swim Jong Il!

I recently took up the sport of swimming. It is a great way to get in some heart-pounding cardio while constantly feeling like you’re about to drown. I want to share some tips I’ve learned in the past few months to help other new swimmers succeed in this asphyxiation-inducing form of exercise:

  • Make sure to wear a brightly colored bathing suit. This will make it easier for the lifeguard/police divers to spot you/your corpse at the bottom of the pool/abandoned quarry basin.

    Perfect form!

  • Chlorine in pools can bleach or discolor hair, and some people wear swimming caps to avoid this. If you choose not to, don’t be surprised that 30-40 years of swimming regularly may turn much of your hair a white or greyish color.
  • Breathing enough air to perform the physically demanding act of swimming can be challenging. Yet, the theory that the human body requires oxygen for survival is just that: a theory. Scientific opinion differs on the exact mechanism of respiration, and though some in the mainstream scientific community have come to the conclusion that it is necessary, the winds of discovery often blow in unexpected directions. After all, it was once “mainstream scientific opinion” that the sun revolved around the Earth, how is this any different? Not to mention the suspicious fact that so-called “legitimate” biologists refuse to debate us. What are they afraid of? That their theory of aerobic respiration won’t stand up to scrutiny? An honest debate is all we ask. Just because we find the idea of life-sustaining yet invisible oxygen particles hard to “inhale,” doesn’t mean we should be pariahs to an orthodoxy-enforcing community unwilling to withstand challenges for fear of losing their lucrative grant money. Until we have a real discussion on the merits of Respirationism, you should consider the necessity of breathing air to be just one of many theories about how to sustain life. Teach the controversy!
  • Amphibian-American Michael Phelps is known to consume  upwards of 12,000 calories a day while training, and he is the greatest Olympic swimmer of all time. Try quintupling your usual diet.

    Dolphins respect Putin’s diabolical consolidation of power.

  • Many swimmers find they can reduce drag by shaving their body hair. To gain an advantage you really have to shave everywhere. And I mean everywhere. You know where I’m talking about. Downtown. The basement. The sausage cellar. The Batcave. Pee-wee’s Playhouse.
  • If you’re a novice, stay out of the Shark Lane. The shark cannot tell the difference between different skill levels.
  • Humans are roughly 70% water. Try to use that to your advantage somehow.
  • Good form can be the difference between sinking, and being the next, even douchier, Ryan Lochte. Here is the formula for a perfect front crawl:
    1. Extend your main arm frontwise. Palm down with inosculated digits. The appendage containing your brain, mouth, and sense organs should be oriented orthogonally to your direction of motion. Pivot starboard (or anti-starboard, respectively) as you drag your main arm crosswise through the water.
    2. Repeat this action (mirror-reversed, of course) with your auxiliary arm.
    3. While performing Steps #1 & #2, pump your non-anterior appendages ventrally in a reiterant fashion. A good form mimics the elegant flap of a Sharp-tailed Grouse’s wing. To maximize efficiency, attempt to get the ratio somewhere around 5.67:1 kicks to arm cycles.
    4. Pull the dangling end to the left and then fold it back over itself to the right. Hold this fold, which will be the front loop of the completed tie, between your shirt’s collar points. Tighten by pulling on opposite sides and halves simultaneously. Repeat until the bow is the desired shape and tightness.
    5. When you complete your arm cycle, swivel your facial region in the direction of your auxiliary arm. Expand your diaphragm with your intercostal muscles to effect the intake of air.
    6. As you approach the far end of the pool, and prepare to flip-turn off the wall, think about all the mistakes you’ve made in your life. The friends you should have been kinder to, the elderly relatives you should have visited more often, the times you didn’t work as hard as you should have. If you’ve ever gotten embarrassingly drunk and thrown up on yourself, concentrate on that memory. It will ease the extreme discomfort of water rushing into your sinuses as you forget to strongly exhale during your underwater somersault. With your main and auxiliary arms at your side, tip forward around your proximal axis and use the memory of your romantic failures in high school to ignore the blinding pain of bashing your ankles into the edge of the pool during the flip. After pushing off, extend your distal appendages axially in both directions and rotate 180 degrees as you think about when you spilled red wine on your favorite shirt. Man, you really loved that shirt.

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Ask a Nazi Officer who is Frantically Reacting to the Invasion of Berlin

Ask Klaus!

General Klaus Himmerschmidt answers your questions on life, relationships, and constructing defensive urban fortifications.

Dear Herr General Himmerschmidt,

Last month my Husband bought a car without telling me. I came home one day to find a shiny new SUV in the driveway. We were overdue to replace his old car, and I don’t think he’s having some kind of mid-life crisis, but we have always discussed important financial decisions like this in the past. He says he did plenty of research and it is his car after all, but I can’t help feeling miffed that I was left out of the loop on a major household purchase like this. Am I overreacting?

-Confused in St Louis,

Dear Confused,

We will never surrender! Our cause is just. Our leaders are virtuous. The German people wield a sword of purest righteousness! —(Just put the metal wastebin next to the window and burn the files in there)— A hellfire of reckoning will rain down upon the Allies.

Dear Herr General,

I have just moved to a new city and I am having trouble making friends. Everyone at my job is much older than me, and it isn’t as though I can just introduce myself to a bunch of people at a bar. I am friendly and extraverted, but it seems like the only way to meet people completely out of the blue is through online dating sites and I’m not in a place in my life where I am looking for a boyfriend. Do you have any advice for how to find some potential friends?

-Lonely in Las Cruces

Dear Lonely,

How far away was that one? Has the general fallen back over the river? We will be stronger if we mass our forces on the other side of the bridge. The soldiers must understand that desertion will not be tolerated. Have the reinforcements from the south arrived? Cowards! Order the men to raze the market building if they must, the artillery must have a clear line of sight on that side. The Volkssturm conscripts have no training, keep sending them to the front to buy us time. The Fatherland must be defended to the last man!

Dear Herr General,

I have temporarily moved about 50 miles for a new job. I am getting along fine with my new coworkers but the office I’m in now is much smaller than my previous place of employment and I don’t have much in common with anyone. My wife told me that she was planning a birthday party and wanted to invite my new workmates but I’m not interested in getting to know these people, since I’ll just be leaving in a few months. My wife says I’m not being open to new experiences and wants me to be more outgoing. Is she right?

-Party of One

Dear Party,

Over there, burn the train schedules too, we must leave no evidence. Lieutenant, come in. So you were the one in charge of defending the telegraph lines in and out of this building and you allowed them to be cut, correct? I don’t want to hear your excuses, you have failed your country in the hour of its greatest need. Have the Lieutenant put to death as an example to anyone else thinking of abrogating his responsibilities to—oh God, that one was closer— they must summon the fire brigade immediately. What are they shouting about down on the street?

Dear Herr General Himmerschmidt,

I have been dating a perfect girl for four months and everything is wonderful. Except for one thing: she insists that we share each other’s email passwords. I don’t have anything to hide, but at the same time, I need a certain amount of space and just don’t feel comfortable having someone looking over my shoulder. I feel like she might take certain things out of context, or end up seeing things from friends that they want to keep private. She says we shouldn’t have any secrets from one another, and is becoming suspicious that I’m hiding something. What should I do?
-Jealous in Jersey
Dear Jealous,

I can see them up the street! Where is the artillery?! The men must stand their ground, our weakness emboldens the enemy. How are the Communists doing this, they don’t even have rifles or boots! Oh no, the files shouldn’t be making that much smoke…
—What were you saying? Oh yes, tell your girlfriend that you can’t build a strong relationship without trust, as well as a respect for a partner’s space. If she can’t handle the most basic requests for privacy, take it as a warning sign and get out now. There are plenty of (less jealous) fish in the sea!—Oh God, they’re coming up the stairs! Where did I put those cyanide capsules? Greta, I am so sorry. What have we done? Germany, what have we done?