Aitch-Bar

Two Almost Physicists With Almost Something To Say


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Ask a Nazi Officer who is Frantically Reacting to the Invasion of Berlin

Ask Klaus!

General Klaus Himmerschmidt answers your questions on life, relationships, and constructing defensive urban fortifications.

Dear Herr General Himmerschmidt,

Last month my Husband bought a car without telling me. I came home one day to find a shiny new SUV in the driveway. We were overdue to replace his old car, and I don’t think he’s having some kind of mid-life crisis, but we have always discussed important financial decisions like this in the past. He says he did plenty of research and it is his car after all, but I can’t help feeling miffed that I was left out of the loop on a major household purchase like this. Am I overreacting?

-Confused in St Louis,

Dear Confused,

We will never surrender! Our cause is just. Our leaders are virtuous. The German people wield a sword of purest righteousness! —(Just put the metal wastebin next to the window and burn the files in there)— A hellfire of reckoning will rain down upon the Allies.

Dear Herr General,

I have just moved to a new city and I am having trouble making friends. Everyone at my job is much older than me, and it isn’t as though I can just introduce myself to a bunch of people at a bar. I am friendly and extraverted, but it seems like the only way to meet people completely out of the blue is through online dating sites and I’m not in a place in my life where I am looking for a boyfriend. Do you have any advice for how to find some potential friends?

-Lonely in Las Cruces

Dear Lonely,

How far away was that one? Has the general fallen back over the river? We will be stronger if we mass our forces on the other side of the bridge. The soldiers must understand that desertion will not be tolerated. Have the reinforcements from the south arrived? Cowards! Order the men to raze the market building if they must, the artillery must have a clear line of sight on that side. The Volkssturm conscripts have no training, keep sending them to the front to buy us time. The Fatherland must be defended to the last man!

Dear Herr General,

I have temporarily moved about 50 miles for a new job. I am getting along fine with my new coworkers but the office I’m in now is much smaller than my previous place of employment and I don’t have much in common with anyone. My wife told me that she was planning a birthday party and wanted to invite my new workmates but I’m not interested in getting to know these people, since I’ll just be leaving in a few months. My wife says I’m not being open to new experiences and wants me to be more outgoing. Is she right?

-Party of One

Dear Party,

Over there, burn the train schedules too, we must leave no evidence. Lieutenant, come in. So you were the one in charge of defending the telegraph lines in and out of this building and you allowed them to be cut, correct? I don’t want to hear your excuses, you have failed your country in the hour of its greatest need. Have the Lieutenant put to death as an example to anyone else thinking of abrogating his responsibilities to—oh God, that one was closer— they must summon the fire brigade immediately. What are they shouting about down on the street?

Dear Herr General Himmerschmidt,

I have been dating a perfect girl for four months and everything is wonderful. Except for one thing: she insists that we share each other’s email passwords. I don’t have anything to hide, but at the same time, I need a certain amount of space and just don’t feel comfortable having someone looking over my shoulder. I feel like she might take certain things out of context, or end up seeing things from friends that they want to keep private. She says we shouldn’t have any secrets from one another, and is becoming suspicious that I’m hiding something. What should I do?
-Jealous in Jersey
Dear Jealous,

I can see them up the street! Where is the artillery?! The men must stand their ground, our weakness emboldens the enemy. How are the Communists doing this, they don’t even have rifles or boots! Oh no, the files shouldn’t be making that much smoke…
—What were you saying? Oh yes, tell your girlfriend that you can’t build a strong relationship without trust, as well as a respect for a partner’s space. If she can’t handle the most basic requests for privacy, take it as a warning sign and get out now. There are plenty of (less jealous) fish in the sea!—Oh God, they’re coming up the stairs! Where did I put those cyanide capsules? Greta, I am so sorry. What have we done? Germany, what have we done?

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